Posted 8 months ago at 12:11 am. 0 comments
Wow, have I had a crazy last couple of weeks or what! First year of university is almost over. I’ve been studying my little heart out, and getting all my assignments done. I don’t know which way is up.
The only thing keeping me sane is my new toy. It’s called a Bullet. I bought it online and it’s really cool. It’s like this vibrator the size of a cocktail weener, attached to its battery pack by a long wire like you have on an iPod earphone. It’s great, it’s waterproof and it gives me the most buster orgasms. I take it in the bath with me and buzz myself cross eyed.
Recently, I haven’t been able to go out much, so I have been fantasising about having threesomes with Ruby Rose and Jess Origliasso. They are old news, but I still find them appealing. I imagine Ruby would be an untamed tigress in the bedroom and Jess a meek little humpable fawn. Either way, I fantasise about dominating the pair of them, shagging them wildly and leaving them in the morning with nothing but a dazed look in their eyes and my musky smell on their bodies. In all honest truth, I would like to involve the other Veronica and make it a foursome. The Veronicas are so cute, I’d like to do ‘em, and slap ‘em around, then do ‘em some more. I also wish I was as pretty as Ruby Rose. I’d be able to get just about any girl, well, except for the ones that are into butch dykes. At night I have been wondering how the Veronicas wear their pubic hair. Are they shaven a little? Or are they shaven a lot? Perhaps they have Brazilian waxes, maybe they grow their hair wild down there. Pubic hair just fascinates me. It’s a source of much distraction…
Apparently my UBF gets out of hospital soon. Everyone is angry at me because I haven’t been calling him, and refuse to go and visit him. My mum felt so sorry for him that she went to visit him and took my sister. When they got back my mum tried to sit me down and offered to make an appointment for me to ’see someone’ to ‘talk about my problems’. I wanted to just shout out, I haven’t got a problem, I’m just gay! But with my exams just around the corner, I can’t afford to get kicked out of home. Maybe it will be convenient during the Summer holidays. So anyway, I told my mum to take a hike and locked myself up in my room. Later that evening, I decided to burst in on my sister while she was doing a poo. She’s really funny about pooing. I don’t even bother locking the door, but she always has it locked up tight. It’s one of those doors you can unlock with a coin from the outside, so I did and burst in on her. She got really angry and was like ‘what do you want you cow?’. I accused her of having the hots for my UBF. ‘I bet if mum wasn’t there, you would have given him a blowjob you whore!’ That really offended her, the strange thing was she didn’t deny it.
Posted 8 months, 2 weeks ago at 2:06 pm. 0 comments
I want to announce that it’s official. I have divorced Ruth in her absence and proclaim that I hate her. We had the best sex one night and she never called, so she’s been divorced before the marriage ever happened.
Now that I have that off my chest, I can tell you about Sat night.
With my UBF (unwanted boyfriend) still in hospital, I was keen to go out to a dyke club in the city where I could hopefully pick up. During the week I was driving myself crazy. My UBF asked me to go to his place and get him some things. As his parents were going to visit him almost every day, I assumed it was just an excuse to see me because I haven’t been back to visit him since the week before last. So while I was at his place collecting his things, I stumbled upon his secret hardcore DVD stash. Most of them had titles like “Bangcock Banging” and were focused around Asian women. To tell you the truth, I am partial to Asian girls, but I’m not really into watching them have sex with guys. What did grab my attention, however, were his College Girls Gone Wild DVDs. The sly devil had actually bought some after seeing those TV ads. It’s weird, because he always made a point of looking away from the TV when it came on, so now that I think back it just shows how deceptive he really is. SO from that point I became NOT GUILTY about sleeping around while he is laid up in the public ward.
Yes, I swiped his Girls Gone Wild DVDs and totally took them back to my place to watch them on my Macbook. Holy smoke did they make me hot. I spent the whole week masturbating with them. By Friday I was totally crazy for some lovin’.
Actually, I am so into tits at the moment. While I was watching the DVDs, I decided that whenever I would find the opportunity, I would FLASH my boobs.
I went to Gorilla Girlz on Saturday night. It was awesome and I am happy to say that I didn’t see the fugly cows that were at Cherry Spot last week. Curse those fugly biatches!
I’m also happy to report that I steered clear of Redbull Cosmos. Unfortunately, I drank no less than four long island ice teas during the coarse of the night and got totally smashed. Thankfully binge drinking doesn’t count toward alcoholism, so I don’t have any reason to be concerned until I drink like that more than once or twice a week.
In addition to getting absolutely hammered, I made good on my personal promise to flash my boobs. From my very patchy recollection, I few prissy dykes were offended. Just when I was about to be turfed out onto the pavement, some friend of the door bitch came to my rescue. Her name was Sam, she had closely cropped hair, baggy jeans, singlet with no bra and a thick chain that hung from her studded belt to her fat leather wallet. She was a skater dyke and she was my knight in shining armour.
I can’t really tell you want happened between that and ending up back at her place, mostly because I can’t remember. She lived in a share house on the second level with some other chix and a couple of guys, who I’m pretty sure were gay. I really only have a vague recollection of the brief meeting before I was rustled up to Sam’s bedroom on the upper level. I remember it being very cold. It could of been because I under dressed and was totally drunk. It’s spring here in Sydney, but it wasn’t very warm. So things were going well, I was getting some. Sam was the best kisser and she suckled my nipples better than anyone had before. The sex foreplay was good, but it was hard to get really juiced up with so much alcohol in my system and her body odour, which was pretty offensive once we started getting into it.
I’m a really clean girl, I think, I mean I’m not a princess but my room is clean, I always have clean sheets and a nice fresh pillowcase. I never wear the same bra two days in a row and I NEVER wear dirty undies. Sam was the opposite. Her sheets smelled stale and her pillow case was all stained by hair grease. I kept having to check that I hadn’t accidentally gone home with a guy.
So anyway, I was going down on her under the blankets, which I insisted had to be pulled up because I had goosebumps all over me. I was having a good time, despite her taste, then Sam decided to give me a DUTCH OVEN! She let out a ripping fart right when I was going down on her. At first I was too shocked to do anything. Then I went to get the hell outta there, but she held my head down under the blankets. It was the most disgusting thing anyone has ever done. Her fart was like the kind I do just before my period comes on. It really really smelled. I’m very sensitive to smells, so I started gagging and totally spewed in her bed.
Sam freaked out when I vomited on her. I told her to get stuffed and got really angry about the Dutch Oven, which I thought was so not funny. Not long after, we had a massive cat fight. I fully scratched her face like a grizzly bear when she laughed at me, but she punched me really hard and I almost got knocked out. Her flatmates broke it up after I threw her skateboard through that massive plate glass window and it was a heavy scene, so I got dressed and left. They said they would make me pay for the window, but I don’t know how they’re gonna do that. I ain’t ever going back to that hole.
Luckily my vomit didn’t get on my clothes because it was a long journey home with a pack of losers on the night-ride bus. The trains had stopped for the night and I didn’t have enough for a taxi.
But I was so drunk, it was uncool. Some guy was sitting next to me on the bus. He started to make conversation. I decided that I would be cultural and ask him ’so, what part of India are you from?’ and he gets very offended and starts jabbering, ‘I am not from India, I am from Uganda. I’m not Indian, why do you call me Indian?’ Anyway, he changed seats, but that meant I had the seat to myself. Uncool, but cool…
When I got back home I fired up my Macbook and did a few more rounds to College Girls Gone Wild before my eyes got to heavy and I crashed.
Note to self: In future, avoid unclean skater girlz.
Posted 8 months, 2 weeks ago at 2:02 am. 0 comments
I want to share with you a little fantasy I have.
Recently I was watching Blade Trinity. Just about the whole movie I was lusting after Parker Posey. You may have seen her on Boston Legal. She’s tall, skinny, big teeth, brunette, and totally hot.
In Blade Trinity she is like a vampire bitch. I decided that I would like to be a dyke vampire, except instead of going round biting people and making them vampires, I would go around biting straight girls and turning them into my bitches. In the movie, vampires have non-vampires with tattooes on their necks. The vampires call them their ‘human cattle’, who do their vampire master’s bidding in the hope of one day being ‘turned’ into a vampire.
I would like to do the same with straight girls. I would select the finest straight girls and go down on them, and have sex with them, and keep them as my ‘girl cattles’. When it suited me, I would ravish them some more, always with the promise that one day I would turn them into a dyke if they behaved. In my fantasy they would be desperate to become gay, and I would be the key to both their pleasure and their gayness.
It would please me to have many such ‘girl cattles’, who would all be straight and very gorgeous. Having bi-sexual ‘girl cattles’ would be no fun, because I need the validation of being a conduit to their erotic pleasure.
Of course I would insist that my straight little ‘girl cattles’ got tattoos on the back of their neck and bum to show they are mine. If anyone tried to have sex with them, I would start a blood war in the Blade Trinity fashion - which of course would involve a lot of sex and violence. I would kick ass like Blade, except that I would be Caucasian, freckly, a pretty vag and have a nice set of boobs.
Oh yeah, and I would always pay my taxes.
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 2:38 pm. 0 comments
I just got back from uni. Last night I was struggling to finish my 2nd French assignment for this semester. Normally I’m really good with assignments, but with my mind stuck on Ruth and my new addiction to blogging, I cut it closer than usual this time. But it’s all good. At least it’s submitted.
I haven’t been to France yet. One day I hope to go. (Maybe Ruth will take me one day :/). Even if she didn’t it would still be good. I’ve decided that I adore French women. Midway through my assignment last night I decided to take a bath to unwind.
At our house, the bathroom walls are really thin. We have one of those setups where you have the toilet in a small room right next door to the shower and basin. Anyway, I was having an extra long hot soak. I had my Faerie meditation CD on and I was getting pretty in the zone. All my tensions were being unwound. So yeah, having a head full of French grammar led me onto thinking about French women.
I imagined hanging out with some cute French girl with cherry lips, dark eyes and luscious dark brown hair. Her legs were unshaven and her armpits filled with bristly little tufts of black hair. We were sitting beside a small river in some French provincial town, eating duck liver pate on French bread with ham and Brie cheese. We were drinking red wine under the shade of a big tree, no one was around, and it was summer.
With these images rolling through my head, I pretty soon started masturbating in the hot bath. Normally I just do it in bed each night. (I know - boring - but comfortable)
So anyway, my fantasy progressed. I imagined that we stripped down to our underwear and went for a swim in the river. It wasn’t supposed to be romantic. We were just friends and she didn’t know I was gay. In the water I decided to remove my bra. I wanted to show off my tits and let her get a good look at my sweet strawberry red nipples. My boobs were much bigger than hers. She would surely be jealous of them. They were big enough to be sexy and still ripe enough not to sag. They bobbed in the water and glistened in the sun. With my top off of course I noticed her watching my body, and I decided to dare to kiss her. We kissed, it was hot. In the real world, I was almost cumming.
I then took my imagination back to the river bank. I went through the mental motions of going down on my spiced up version of Amelie Poulain. Her pubic hair was soft, unkept and bushy. It was her first time with a girl. She liked it. She loved it. I did everything right.
I’d once read in a Tom Robins book, I can’t remember the title, that the taste of a woman’s vagina varies depending on their diet, and whether she smokes. I think Tom Robbins said that vegetarian women’s vaginas taste the worst. I could be wrong, I might have it mixed up. It was so long ago. In any case, since my fantasy version of Audrey Tautou ate plenty of the good things that make up the classic French diet, her vagina had its own gourmet flavour with the added intoxicating power of red wine. Thinking about that, I came tremendously and grunted like I was hit in the stomach by a netball.
Meanwhile I was oblivious to the fact that my dad had been labouring to do a big shit in the toilet on the other side of the wall. I hadn’t even noticed him straining and groaning as he desperately tried to lay his big turd. It turns out the sound of my cumming had made him angry, but strangely not for the reasons you would expect.
This morning he had a go at me. He said “I didn’t think you were funny last night grunting from the bathroom while I was on the toilet. You know I sometimes have trouble going…” I didn’t understand at the time, but I worked it out on the train home this afternoon. He had thought I was taking the piss when I groaned with my fingers deep inside me.
* * * *
I also have an update on my unwanted boyfriend. As an aside, let it be known I’m not even going to give him a name in my blog. He shall always be called “unwanted boyfriend” or UBF for short, so don’t bother trying to see if he’s named in other posts, because he’s not.
Last night, after I finished my assignment, I turned my phone on. It had been switched off all afternoon while I worked on my assignment, even though I was dying for Ruth to call. I had received 12 text messages. I had to scroll through them all and they were all from my UBF. Before I had even finished deleting them, he calls me, so I answer.
“Hey”, he said. With his poor little lamb lost puppy dog tone. “What you doing?”
“Umm nothing. Just finished an assignment.”
He then makes some small talk, after which he asks me. “Is there something wrong? How come you haven’t been to visit me?”
I told him hospitals make me uncomfortable because I’m scared of getting golden staff because I have my period.
He totally didn’t understand. “But I thought you had your period two weeks ago? And how can you get diseases when you are on your rags?”
“Don’t call it rags! You know I don’t like that…” I diverted and before he could say thing, I quickly said, “sorry, my battery is dying. Got to go, I’ll call later, love you, bye…”
Next time I’ll break up with him for sure.
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 9:41 am. 0 comments
I know this is so clichéd, but I am obsessed with that Katy Perry song and video “I kissed a girl”. I think I’ve been playing it so much that it’s burned into the transistors of my iPod. I also really love her song “Hot and Cold”. But it’s not all about gayness. I mean at first it was, but I love her lyrics and videos. I know, I know. I’m so unsophisticated! Yeah, but I’m down and I need simple things to make me happy.
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 9:26 am. 0 comments
Alas, today my heart is filled with pain.
My boyfriend is messaging me constantly from the hospital. “Why dont u come visit?” He asks. “What’s wrong?” “Come hang out with me…” “You’ve seemed so distant lately..” blah blah. That is simply annoying.
But what truly stings my heart is that Ruth hasn’t called me. I know that some of you might say it’s too soon. But this baby dyke is in pain - I tells ya! PAIN! I think if Yoda really existed in some distant galaxy, he would say “I feel great pain in a baby dyke. Great paiiiiinnnnn!”
After I left Ruth’s apartment on Sunday morning, I was sure we would be mini-married. On Monday I thought she would call me up and invite me over for sure. Now I got bubkiss and it’d midweek. ARGH!
Every time my phone goes off, I get excited. But it’s NEVER Ruth, just my boyfriend. Each time he messages me, I feel less guilty about cheating on him and not loving him.
I think I’m going to drop him. Maybe tonight I’ll tell him it’s over by text message. I haven’t got the guts to do it face to face.
Love is cruel for everyone.
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 12:13 pm. 0 comments
Omfg, I found this mega freak on technorati today.
I was thinking about doing women’s self defence, so I was doing some searches and I came across this site with some weirdo guy doing martial arts in a leotard and boob tube.
http://www.megatechniques.com
Still though, his body’s better than mine. Wish I looked so good in lycra…
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 12:02 pm. 0 comments
So I wanna fill everyone in about my Saturday night.
I went on a secret mission to a night at a local lesbian club called Cherry Spot. At first I felt a bit uncomfortable because I didn’t know anyone, so I just hung at the bar and kept on ordering redbull cosmos. Before yesterday, that was my favourite drink - but after throwing up all Sunday - I think I will move onto something else.
At first a few sleazy freaks approached me, so I talked to them out of desperation, and went over to meet their friends. All their friends were pretty gross. When I got pretty drunk I got dragged out onto the dance floor and pashed a chic who was all over me on the lounges. She was pretty fugly, but I still got turned on.
Anyway, at about midnight, I was approached by a gorgeous older woman. She asked if I wanted to bail with her, so I did. We went and got some hot chocolates at this all nite cafe where these macho Latin bikers hang out. It’s lucky I had a break from drinking because I was getting messy and stumbling around a bit.
After that we walked down the side of this park. We were pashing deep and long just about the whole way. Eventually we got to her apartment which was totally interior deco. She reckoned she was an executive or something.
Oh I forgot, her name is Ruth btw.
So Ruth got busy and broke out a bottle of absinthe. She did the whole deal with the funny spoon and burning sugar. I was totally being a classic baby dyke, so I was naked about 2 mins after that. I won’t go into great detail about the sex, but I will say that I surprised myself. I thought she would make me her Geisha. But I was totally the aggressor. I felt like a drunken tigeress eating a flock of salty sheep, clawing and biting, licking and sucking my way into sexual weightlessness.
But I have to give Ruth credit. She totally knew her way around down stairs. I might have been an animal that night in bed, but she had finesse. I’ll never forget her Tijuana Tongue Twister, which actually involved squeezing lemonjuice over me. Amazing.
Yet the best thing about it was that when it was time to sleep, I could just crash naked with Ruth and not worry that my parents or my boyfriend would walk in. When I woke up I was feeling very putrid, so I decided to bail before Ruth got up and I embarrassed myself.
I totally spewed in train back to my place. I was eating Macdonald’s Hot Cakes and I yacked up this pink doughy chunder. It was so vile, but I had the best night. I’m definitely going to do it next weekend, but I hope that those fugly bitches I met early in the evening won’t remember me.
Note to self: Ask Ruth about my underwear. Either she hid it or I threw it out the window when I stipped. I can’t really remember, but I think I chucked it somewhere weird and had to go home without it.
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 9:12 pm. 0 comments
With my boyfriend in hospital I went out last night to a lesbian club. I am still too hung over to write about what exactly happened last night, but in short I had the best night of my life! I totally hooked up and it was great. All my erogenous zones are still buzzing. (PS: I promise to fill you in later)
But anyway, before I pass out I quickly need to get something off my chest.
Would everyone stop being so mean to Cynthia Nixon’s girlfriend, Christine Marinoni. I keep reading about her on the net. Some wise arse has given her the nickname Rojo Caliente. I don’t know what that means but I think its got something to do with being a fat redhead. That’s so unkind…
OK so lets break a few things down.
Personally, I don’t think she is the best looking woman in the world, but she’s not all that bad. She isn’t handsome like K.D. Lang, who I absolutely adore.
I mean I have mixed tastes. I wish ALL the cast from the L-word were really gay - so I could stalk them - but alas they aren’t. My favourite is so totally Mia Kirshner who plays Jenny Schecter. I’m sure she would be like a little pixie in bed, a very sweet sexy pixie.
Here is a list of great lesbians and bisexual woman I love and respect in no particular order:
- Edith Piaf
- Tracy Chapman
- K.D. Lang
- Cynthia Nixon
- Marlene Dietrich
- Greta Garbo
- Sinead O’Connor
- Portia De Rossi (I love her eyebrows and strong face)
Ok that’s enough talking about woman. Damn, I just dry reached. I’m never drinking cosmos made from Red Bull again. I’m going to take a soak in the bath…
Posted 8 months, 3 weeks ago at 8:33 pm. 0 comments
I had the worst day ever! I just got back from the hospital. I so hate hospitals.
My boyfriend works at a local supermarket packing shelves in the middle of the night. At the end of his shift last night he left through the employee exit at the back of the store. Someone had been sucking a mango seed and had chucked it out onto the street. My dumb boyfriend stepped on it and totally broke his pelvis on the edge of the gutter.
This morning, I was woken up early and was obliged to go visit him in hospital. The poor dear! Anyway, I’m sure he will mend well in a few months.
As usual I’m confused though. On my way home I started making a mental list of the pros and cons arising from his misfortune:
Pros
- With a broken pelvis he can’t have sex with me for ages.
- While he is laid up I will be able to go out without him and find some girls.
- He won’t be able to stay over as often
- I won’t have to force myself to kiss him after he has been out with his friends drinking beer.
- He should be less sweaty because he won’t be moving around as much.
- I won’t have to give him back massages because he will be in a body cast (I think).
- Maybe he will meet a nurse in the hospital
- I’m glad it’s not me who has to give him towel baths
- Maybe he will get a compensation payout and he can buy me stuff
- I’m sure there’s more benefits I will realise later
Cons
- He will be more demanding and wingey than ever!
- I will have to visit him in hospital
- He won’t be able to shower as much so he will be extra stinky
- He might try and stay at my place
- He might want me to look after him
- I will be too guilty to break up with him now he’s injured.
- He might not get any compensation and he will be poorer than ever.
- He might try and make me give him oral sex.
- My mother might feel even more sorry for him and try and insist I be a better girlfriend.
- He might ask me to wipe his bum for him.
Still I can’t decide whether it was a boon or disaster. Maybe when I go out this Saturday night I might meet a girl I fancy and it will all be worth while.
